Thursday, June 16, 2005

its been long. but what can i say? been busy. spent all last weekend working on my culminating english activity, but i failed it. 46%. fuck. i worked so long and so hard on it. but whatever. im over it. i'll just......fucking, fuck myself.

just sitting in class right now, listening to modest mouse. this class is alright. im have no work to do though. i wanna go and see if nico is still outside, but its cold. so im gonna sit here for a while. yesterday was pretty bunk. well, some of it was good. me and matt went to the hill with sean atkinson, and we met up with josh, darel, phil, and christian. we smoked like 2 g's and got soooo ripped. it was amazing dope. fuck. but then, by the time we got back to my house, i was so tired that i fell asleep until i had to drive matt home. which sucked.

we might be going to spend the night at nico's place on saturday. buy a 26er and just get fucking tanked. yeah! lol. it should be power. but i dont want to split a 26er between like 4 people, so i might buy a 40, but thats a lot of money! so i dunno. plus i dont know how i would get it there......hmmm.

if i fail english, im gonna fucking, die. holy shit! it would totally fuck over my next year! kinda. i dont want to take this stupid course again.

fucking matt. he was talking to nicole today about her dogs, and how big they were last time he was at her place. what the fuck do i say about that. im going to bitch at him for it. he's such a dick! fuck. i just want to punch him in the face. im so over his shit! but what the fuck do i say? i mean, i dont want to break up, i just want thing to change. but they cant. they cant change. fuck.

i want to stop smoking pot too, but then i start cronning out for e, and then i realise that if i'm like half addicted to e, then im definatly addicted to weed. so's matt though. if i were to quit, i'd have to break up with him, cause i couldnt take him being high around me when im not. he's tooo retarded for me to take when im not stoned. fuck, drugs are gay. i feel asleep this morning waiting to get in the shower, sitting on the can. like, fuck. you dont get that tired from going to school. fuck drugs! fuck matt! fuck everything.

except school. i just need to pull through this, and it should be all good. just get through the next days. but then i have to get through all that work, and blah. i just want to quit that fucking job. its so bunk. im over it!

i jsut want life to be fucking over. im always waiting for something good to happen, but nothing ever does. im always waiting, expecting to have fun, but i never do. either im not high and im waiting to get high and have fun. then i get high, and that's not fun either. then bam, 5 hours havegone by and i have to go to sleep. like fuck. what kind of life is that? i just need to get out of this shitty ass life and find....something. something to be passionate about. like e. e makes everything passionate. and fuck, i could use some e. but no more. its killing my back and its very dangerous! very! so stop doing it.

those red maple leaves were so good. too bad they kill people. aparently like 6 people have died in sudbury from them alread. gay or what? according to sarah they have synthetic herion in them, but they are such a clean mdma buzz that they can be junk. no way. they bring you up way too much to be junk. junk's fun too though. like lorazepam(vallium). i love that shit. but i dont do it often. becasue i snort them, and snorting shit is bad. it will kill your nose and fucking put a hole in your brain! but i love the feeling of powder flying up your nose and hitting your brain, before dripping down your throat. ahhh, fuck.

still another class to get through. fuck, which sucks. mr. plouffe is so boring! i dont think i can make it! hopefully evan and emily are there though. i need some notes from evan too, from english class. hopefully i'll pass that exam. i dont know how im going to do it, but i will. hopefully. i have saturday to study, but then im getting tanked hopefully on saturday night. that should be wicked.

yea, nico was at school today. which is wicked. i havent seen that kid in like amonth. he's so funny. i could talk to that guy all day and not get bored. i should have skipped this afternoon to hang out with him. it obvious that im not going to do anything this afternoon. i didnt even smoke a joint at lunch. which is sooo hurtin'. according to matt we're not gonna smoke any pot today, but fuck, when does that ever happen? never! lol. what an idiot. but i love him. unfortunatly. everything would be so much easier if i didnt love him. but i do so i flip out inside everytime he flirts with other people, or hangs out with other girls. but fuck, i can't trust him. he cheated with me, then cheated on me, and is always flirting. like, when im not around i know how he acts around girls. i just want to end it. end this internal struggle of what to do. cause im tired of feeling like this, and feeling hateful of myself because i feel that matt is always cheating on me or thinking bad shit about me, or bitching about me. and im soooo tired of it. blahhhh.

man, this class it ticking by! holy fuck! but float on just came on, so its not that hurtin.


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