Sunday, May 29, 2005

not quite the beginning

hey
things are...the same as always. worked today, so did matt. as we do every saturday. its pretty shitty and our paychecks never last more than a few days. which is sooo shitty! we both only work about 8 hours a week, buts its still killer. i feel like i never get to see him. but i do. i spend all my time at his house, but we never really have any fun. i dunno, i guess we do, but i never get enough out of it. and he always seems to let me down. i try to talk to him about it, but he just doesnt get it. today i ended up yelling at him. i never yell at him. i felt so shitty! well, not really. i just wish that things would change. i broke up with him on tuesday. but we were back together within an hour. first time, in over a year. i cried for about 45 minutes and then thought about how i would beg for him back. i didnt have to though. i was really glad.
im failing like all my classes. ok, i now im not failing math, but i know for sure that im failing english and that i probably will fail it and have to take it for a third time! blahhh.
me and matt did e yesterday. but it was shitty e and i barely felt anything off of it. and he made me watch him and his friends play xbox while i sat there waiting to take the 20 minute walk back to his place for the 4th time in 2 hours! i was pissed! like, that is the kind of shit he does, just lets me sit there bored out of my mind waiting for him for hours! and i want it to stop. i keep telling him that im fucking bored, but he just doesnt get it.
i just dont know what to do anymore. im really sad all the time. he doesnt make me happy anymore, but i dont think i could be happy without him. i just depend on him too much now. and i dont know what to do.
and fuck, im getting fat. i ate so much within the last week. but yesterday all i ate was half a grilled cheese sandwich, and today all i had was a smarties bar and half a skor bar, but i'll prolly finish that in a bit. plus a red rain, the cheaper, but shittier version of redbull. that e might have made me lose weight. good e makes me lose like 5 lbs, but i dont think it was power enough. stupid not-so-cheap ass e. cost 20$ for 2, and matt said he could get 2 for 15$. but i was croaning out for it but the time it was time to pay. so i just paid the whole 20$. but it was the last of my money until friday (except for the 5$ Nancy gives me for lunch). but whatever, i can go without dope until then....i hope.
often i just want to die. but i can't try to kill myself again. just because i can't do that to my mother again. that is absolutly the only reason i am still alive right now. my pure compassion for my mother's sanity. i dont want to do to her what i did before. but when she dies, it's an open playing feild. whatever, i'll prolly be over it by then.
life just seems so pointless. its so....dull. and boring and meaningless. my life is building to nothing. everyone's life is building to nothing. doctors save lives, but these lives are meaningless as well. everything is meaningless, and i hate that. i wish i was a bible-thumping, religious freak. just to feel some meaning in life.
well, im done for tonight. hahaha, long ass first post.

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