Thursday, June 16, 2005

its been long. but what can i say? been busy. spent all last weekend working on my culminating english activity, but i failed it. 46%. fuck. i worked so long and so hard on it. but whatever. im over it. i'll just......fucking, fuck myself.

just sitting in class right now, listening to modest mouse. this class is alright. im have no work to do though. i wanna go and see if nico is still outside, but its cold. so im gonna sit here for a while. yesterday was pretty bunk. well, some of it was good. me and matt went to the hill with sean atkinson, and we met up with josh, darel, phil, and christian. we smoked like 2 g's and got soooo ripped. it was amazing dope. fuck. but then, by the time we got back to my house, i was so tired that i fell asleep until i had to drive matt home. which sucked.

we might be going to spend the night at nico's place on saturday. buy a 26er and just get fucking tanked. yeah! lol. it should be power. but i dont want to split a 26er between like 4 people, so i might buy a 40, but thats a lot of money! so i dunno. plus i dont know how i would get it there......hmmm.

if i fail english, im gonna fucking, die. holy shit! it would totally fuck over my next year! kinda. i dont want to take this stupid course again.

fucking matt. he was talking to nicole today about her dogs, and how big they were last time he was at her place. what the fuck do i say about that. im going to bitch at him for it. he's such a dick! fuck. i just want to punch him in the face. im so over his shit! but what the fuck do i say? i mean, i dont want to break up, i just want thing to change. but they cant. they cant change. fuck.

i want to stop smoking pot too, but then i start cronning out for e, and then i realise that if i'm like half addicted to e, then im definatly addicted to weed. so's matt though. if i were to quit, i'd have to break up with him, cause i couldnt take him being high around me when im not. he's tooo retarded for me to take when im not stoned. fuck, drugs are gay. i feel asleep this morning waiting to get in the shower, sitting on the can. like, fuck. you dont get that tired from going to school. fuck drugs! fuck matt! fuck everything.

except school. i just need to pull through this, and it should be all good. just get through the next days. but then i have to get through all that work, and blah. i just want to quit that fucking job. its so bunk. im over it!

i jsut want life to be fucking over. im always waiting for something good to happen, but nothing ever does. im always waiting, expecting to have fun, but i never do. either im not high and im waiting to get high and have fun. then i get high, and that's not fun either. then bam, 5 hours havegone by and i have to go to sleep. like fuck. what kind of life is that? i just need to get out of this shitty ass life and find....something. something to be passionate about. like e. e makes everything passionate. and fuck, i could use some e. but no more. its killing my back and its very dangerous! very! so stop doing it.

those red maple leaves were so good. too bad they kill people. aparently like 6 people have died in sudbury from them alread. gay or what? according to sarah they have synthetic herion in them, but they are such a clean mdma buzz that they can be junk. no way. they bring you up way too much to be junk. junk's fun too though. like lorazepam(vallium). i love that shit. but i dont do it often. becasue i snort them, and snorting shit is bad. it will kill your nose and fucking put a hole in your brain! but i love the feeling of powder flying up your nose and hitting your brain, before dripping down your throat. ahhh, fuck.

still another class to get through. fuck, which sucks. mr. plouffe is so boring! i dont think i can make it! hopefully evan and emily are there though. i need some notes from evan too, from english class. hopefully i'll pass that exam. i dont know how im going to do it, but i will. hopefully. i have saturday to study, but then im getting tanked hopefully on saturday night. that should be wicked.

yea, nico was at school today. which is wicked. i havent seen that kid in like amonth. he's so funny. i could talk to that guy all day and not get bored. i should have skipped this afternoon to hang out with him. it obvious that im not going to do anything this afternoon. i didnt even smoke a joint at lunch. which is sooo hurtin'. according to matt we're not gonna smoke any pot today, but fuck, when does that ever happen? never! lol. what an idiot. but i love him. unfortunatly. everything would be so much easier if i didnt love him. but i do so i flip out inside everytime he flirts with other people, or hangs out with other girls. but fuck, i can't trust him. he cheated with me, then cheated on me, and is always flirting. like, when im not around i know how he acts around girls. i just want to end it. end this internal struggle of what to do. cause im tired of feeling like this, and feeling hateful of myself because i feel that matt is always cheating on me or thinking bad shit about me, or bitching about me. and im soooo tired of it. blahhhh.

man, this class it ticking by! holy fuck! but float on just came on, so its not that hurtin.

Monday, June 06, 2005

getting fat

stupid matt. he eats less than me, and i just feel so gross! like im always eating and i keep getting fatter and fatter! my stomach hurts soooo much! blahhhhh. i want to puke, should i? maybe.

gone for a smoke and maybe to puke.....

well, i puked a bit, then i got over it. it was gay.

i miss matt. we slept for 3 and a half hours. it was stupid. i missed out on like my whole day.

this is what i ate today:
- 1/2 a skor bar
- pack of m&m's
- 3 small pieces of pizza with olives
- 2 cookies
- 3 crackers with cheese
- bowl of chicken noodle soup
- sandwich bun

fucking gay eh? blahhhhhhh

yesterday was fucking amazing! well, first me and matt got in a huge fight over the night before. he punched a lightbulb and it exloded all over his room. and he was yelling and shit. but we talked it all out and then made up like fucking cats and dogs! it was sooooo hot!!!! like, best fucking sexual experience like ever, and we didnt even have sex (that time of the month), but we can tomorrow!!!! wooot!!!!!!!!!! but it was sooo fucking hot! i love watching him play with himself. that turns me on so much, so much more than ANYTHING! its soooo hot! ahh, i cant get over how gorgeous he is. fucking beautiful!

im off to bed. i haven't worked out in a long time. i should start up again. cause im a loser and im getting fat! blah. i need to find an ab excersise that exercises my lower abdomin. like under my belly button.

well, good night.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

disappointed once again

matt is driving me insane. i feel like im always doing everything i can for him, and he doesnt do anything for me. today i was begging him to let me suck him off. and he wouldn't. like when does he ever do something like that for me? its not fair. i spend all my money and time with him, and he just...fucking doesnt care. life is gay.

got kinda drunk tonight...but i dunno. wasnt that great. no one else was drunk, just me and matt.

whatever. im failing like everything and i just....want to fucking give up!!! gahhh

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


im at school right now. it sucks ass! its so hot outside, and in for that matter. im on a spare right now, but no one's really outside and i have nothing to do and no money to do it with. matt's in class. which sucks, but at least he's going. he's been really good about it, but i keep asking him to skip. opps, hahaha. almost out of cigs, which sucks!!! but i get paid on friday. maybe anna has money she could lend me, or i could ask nancy, but i dont want to do that. i hate asking nancy for money.

im going shopping on saturday. prolly buy new shoes, pants, and im thinking nail polish. maybe. i dont know what colour, but i think it would be a good idea. but, i'd always end up wearing the same colour, everyday. just like these god damned pants. but matt's loves them, and they are the only pants he doesnt complain about. man, i suck.

i changed my courses for next year. im taking english, writer's craft, challenge and change, strings, drafting, and this other social science course. i hope they'll be good.

bored, bored, bored. but im supposed to be working on my ancient history project. god damn it. it was due last week and i havent even started. hmm, schools almost done. thank god! hopefully me and matt can find a ride with someone, so we dont have to walk and we can still smoke a pope bowl.

im hungry! stupid school and all their chocolate bars, and people eating. i almost brought pop today. i had it in my back pack and ready to go, but i decided to leave it in the car. cause im a loser like that.

i have my book for my culminating activity. its only 60 pages long, small writing, and big pages, but it shouldnt take me long to read. i have 12 days until it's due and i gotta start working on it! or im gonna fail!!! fuck, i dont want to fail! im taking correspondence during the summer i hope. english if i fail english, and philosiphy if i just feel like it. if i start failing it, i will just get my parents to do the work for me, just so they can get their money back. i would feel so bad if i failed it!

15 minutes left. just 15. the day is finally almost over! thank god. me and matt are going back to my place to work on him homework. hopefully i can find some time to get to mine. the thing is, i never have anthing i can just work on. i have all these big things that i have to start, but i never do. i just have to pull up my socks and get started. i took the first step today by getting my book. im either reading "call of the wild" or "franny and zooey". probably call of the wild because it's alot smaller. i just hope that it's interesting. otherwise i won't be able to get through it. then im going to read franny and zooey. which i have started before, just never finished.

not much to say actually. matt got tiff's number, but he got through to an answering machine that said it was "kayla" but that's prolly just because tiff is just staying there, not really a "home owner". lol. i hope we get to see her though. i haven't seen tiff since like....march, february? fuck, that's a long time and i didnt even realise it. nothing much has really happened though. nothing interesting anyway. did drugs, partied some, lots of sex. but thats nothing new. i want to get out there and do something, but there's just nothing to do.

well, me and matt might go see modest mouse in toronto, but i dunno. its really expensive. like 50$ a ticket, and i want to stay with mike, not karalee. just because we could smoke pot then, and cigs. well, we might be able to smoke cigs, but i dunno. it's weird smoking in front of my family. i dont like to, but matt doesnt care. but matt doesnt care about a whole lot. or really anything. except hopefully for me. well, of coarse he does, but i wish he would express it more.

blah blah blah, same shit as always. i hope he's not still upset about yesterday. im going to try to be a better girlfriend, i just dont know if i can do it. i always feel wanting, like im asking too much. maybe i am...

still time left. fuck, this is boring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im afraid mrs. colllinson is going to come up behind me and catch me with my lip ring in. that will suck the day that happens again. but she said she'd just give me a detention.

school is almost over! school is almost over! i can hardly wait!

im going to go, hopefully it will take me 5 minutes to walk upstairs. i could walk really slow, but thats hard for me to do. i always walk fast, well usually. except when i've been walking for a bit, then i walk painfully slow. hahhaa. im a loser.

well, not as much as a loser as i used to be, but im getting better, i hope. i try to just keep my mouth shut and let people interact around me. i dont really like talking to people, they make me nervous. well, teenagers. i cant look at people when they talk to me, especially if they seem "better" than me, which depending on my mood, can be everyone.

anyway fairwell.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

sensitivity over insensitivity.

i called matt insensitive today. and i mean, sometimes he is. but he was really hurt by that. he said that he thought about it, and he realised that he is insensitive. i hope it helps, but i feel so bad that i hurt him. i really dont want to, it just happens. i don't mean to at all. I love him soooo much. he is everything to me. everything. i hope nothing ever happens between us. it almost did, but i won't let it happen again. i won't let stupid shit get to me like that again. ever, i hope.
he made me a heart in woodshop today. it was so cute! i want to nail it to my wall, so i can look at it all the time! *sigh* matt's so wonderful! <3<3<3
i want to email him, but i dont know what to say. i mean, i dont want to give in because he can be very insensitive, but i want to make him feel better.
i gotta go to bed and do my exercises. i think im doing pretty good :D

Monday, May 30, 2005

so close im sweatin

we almost got burnt today. we were behind the shack smoking a j and the gaff-attack walked around the corner. donkey had it and shoved it in his pocket. she brought us all down to the office and we were questioned seperately. i didnt rat, neither did sean, but matt and the 2 other girls did(but donkey already was kicked out. we watched him storm out swearing at them). but i held out and im soooo proud. incredibly proud! but it was sooo close. matt had all his shit in his pockets, which he moved to his boxers while we were sitting in the office. it was hilarious.

today was amazing though. me and matt got to my place, made a pizza, took a nap, rented bowling for columbine, and had mad sex. it was power.

i started working out. i did like 200 crunches yesterday. it was pretty killer. my back hurts and shit. but im going to try to do it again. i've been eating alot the past two days. but thats to make up for the two days before. stupid body.

i have a pair of matt's boxers. im so proud. i wore them to school today. sooo comfortable. and sexy! but i have to take my patch off. blah! no sex for a week! its going to be killer. blahhhhhh. but hopefully, after this week is over with, matt will feel that he owes me and will spend the time i need. but he almost got me off today. almost. sooooo close! so close it hurt!

im off to work out, hopefully.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

not quite the beginning

things are...the same as always. worked today, so did matt. as we do every saturday. its pretty shitty and our paychecks never last more than a few days. which is sooo shitty! we both only work about 8 hours a week, buts its still killer. i feel like i never get to see him. but i do. i spend all my time at his house, but we never really have any fun. i dunno, i guess we do, but i never get enough out of it. and he always seems to let me down. i try to talk to him about it, but he just doesnt get it. today i ended up yelling at him. i never yell at him. i felt so shitty! well, not really. i just wish that things would change. i broke up with him on tuesday. but we were back together within an hour. first time, in over a year. i cried for about 45 minutes and then thought about how i would beg for him back. i didnt have to though. i was really glad.
im failing like all my classes. ok, i now im not failing math, but i know for sure that im failing english and that i probably will fail it and have to take it for a third time! blahhh.
me and matt did e yesterday. but it was shitty e and i barely felt anything off of it. and he made me watch him and his friends play xbox while i sat there waiting to take the 20 minute walk back to his place for the 4th time in 2 hours! i was pissed! like, that is the kind of shit he does, just lets me sit there bored out of my mind waiting for him for hours! and i want it to stop. i keep telling him that im fucking bored, but he just doesnt get it.
i just dont know what to do anymore. im really sad all the time. he doesnt make me happy anymore, but i dont think i could be happy without him. i just depend on him too much now. and i dont know what to do.
and fuck, im getting fat. i ate so much within the last week. but yesterday all i ate was half a grilled cheese sandwich, and today all i had was a smarties bar and half a skor bar, but i'll prolly finish that in a bit. plus a red rain, the cheaper, but shittier version of redbull. that e might have made me lose weight. good e makes me lose like 5 lbs, but i dont think it was power enough. stupid not-so-cheap ass e. cost 20$ for 2, and matt said he could get 2 for 15$. but i was croaning out for it but the time it was time to pay. so i just paid the whole 20$. but it was the last of my money until friday (except for the 5$ Nancy gives me for lunch). but whatever, i can go without dope until then....i hope.
often i just want to die. but i can't try to kill myself again. just because i can't do that to my mother again. that is absolutly the only reason i am still alive right now. my pure compassion for my mother's sanity. i dont want to do to her what i did before. but when she dies, it's an open playing feild. whatever, i'll prolly be over it by then.
life just seems so pointless. its so....dull. and boring and meaningless. my life is building to nothing. everyone's life is building to nothing. doctors save lives, but these lives are meaningless as well. everything is meaningless, and i hate that. i wish i was a bible-thumping, religious freak. just to feel some meaning in life.
well, im done for tonight. hahaha, long ass first post.